don’t worry.

I’ve been living between worlds. Lives. Time zones. Some kind of dysfunctional half life with one side full of high hopes, dreams and an abundance of love… and then the reality of it; a giant wall of water, thousands of miles, miscommunication, distrust and misplaced frustration. 

Tonight is and will be, hands down, the longest night of my life. 

I am drowning in anguish. My stomach is twisted into knots and I’m struggling to keep my head above water. 

I should have seen this coming, but I was so convinced it was real. I was mesmerised and 100% believed that I could be the girl. The one you wouldn’t hesitate to drop everything for. I’ve never been that girl. I don’t think I ever will be that girl. 

And I honestly don’t know where to go from here.

I’ve tried so hard. I don’t want my days or nights. I don’t care for company or outings. I always only wanted one thing - you. And it was more than enough for me. 
The next seven weeks of my life are going to be a wild rollercoaster ride of emotional transition and repressed longing. 

So here it is. My next chapter.
Stay tuned. 

Truth.

I’m laying in bed with my peachy pink nails, curly high pony and ice on my sore neck. Today was big. Full of sport and family, and missing my boy.
We won netball. My neck lasted the game, which was fantastic - I think it’s finally correcting itself and perhaps I won’t have to dip into my savings to see a chiro. Touch wood!

Tonight has been relaxing. I’m in my favourite pj’s and I totally ordered a monster gourmet pizza. Too bad I have been so stressed lately that my stomach has shrunk and I could only fit two pieces in - dev. 
But never mind! I have been online window shopping again, picking out things that I would like to buy next week when I get paid so they can get the Dane seal of approval.

It’s super lame - I’m actually dying to make plans, but at the same time, I’m so hesitant because he is the kind of guy that likes to ride things out. I am the kind of girl that needs it in black and white. I need goals and direction and reassurance. I am a pain in the ass. I want everything and I want it now.

Either way. These long, warm nights spent alone in my own awesome company are my favourite nights. I get to look at wedding dresses, and bed sheets, bath towels, apartments, furniture, baby shoes, art, recipes, make-up, presents for him and all things good and nice… and I get to daydream about my little life in my own world. 
And if those dreams happen to come true someday, those little things certainly won’t be lost on me. And if not, I’m still the luckiest girl alive - whatever life I lead - as long as it’s with him.

It’s been a while..

I don’t really think I have updated this all that much since I got home from America. Life has been pretty full on and even though it’s been non-stop - I haven’t really had a lot to write about. 

I’m getting to a point now; the calm before the storm. My gorgeous future husband arrives here on the 17th of May and I have a lot of planning and saving to do before then.

Even though he has made up his mind, everything still feels up in the air for me. Maybe it’s because I have never really been a very grounded person or maybe it’s from all the let-downs in the past… I don’t know. All I know is he is coming here and I’m going to do my very best to keep him.

Today was my second day off since I’ve been home. It was nice to just lay around all day and catch up on girl things I haven’t had time for. I did my nails, waxed my eyebrows, watched some lame tv shows, played fallout, read my girl magazines, some smelly old books and then spent the afternoon wedding window shopping online with Dane. 

I didn’t think I could ever miss anything in my life as much as I miss that boy. Every. Single. Day.

Anyways, I am doing well and am super happy with where I’m at right now. I will try to update this a little more now that time is being a little kinder to me. 

Stay frosty, friends.